Carrots, the Saddest of All Snack Foods

This is exactly how I feel.

An account of chronic work day depression…

7:45 a.m. I wake up in a dead panic. Then I remember, I have nothing to worry about. There’s nothing going on. When people call to find out what’s happening, I let several moments of silence pass, so they’ll know what my  life feels like all the time.

8:35 a.m. I wake up in a dead panic. I am going to be late.

9:17 a.m. I stroll casually in, with only select items from my purse on me—i.e. wallet, phone—so it looks like I just had to run to my car and I’ve actually been at the office for awhile. I made that pot of coffee at 7:30, guys. It’s called being considerate.

11:00 a.m. I’m pretty glad it’s not 10:30 still.

LUNCH:  I plan to have a really productive lunch hour—getting the few things I need to, buying presents for friends so that they’ll continue to like me, etc. Instead, I end up driving around Beverly Hills for forty minutes looking for the place I yelped ealier but now seems to have mysteriously disappeared. Seriously, looking for “Doggie Styles” is like trying to find Platform 9 3/4 at King’s Cross Station. (Bronwyn doesn’t get that joke, because she’s a soulless human being who refuses to have anything to do with Harry Potter).

2:30 p.m. It’s now past lunch. I won’t get to eat anything for the rest of the work day. It occurs to me as I finished off the last of my baby carrots, that I have virtually nothing to look forward to. I don’t even like baby carrots, I just eat them because I want to make sure I don’t die of Vitamin C deficiency. It’s like, when did eating become all about nutrition? There are still Froot Loops in this cold,  cold world, you know.

4:00 p.m. The thought that I might have a pint left in my freezer momentarily gives me hope, and then I remember that I generously (and stupidly) offered up the last of my ice cream to a friend that had been over last week. OH MY GOD THERE’S NOTHING FOR ME IN THIS WORLD.

4:05 p.m. I think I’m going to look at some things on the Internet, to remind myself that I live in a dynamic and changing world.

4:40 p.m. This girl I went to college with is looking a little chunky in her Profile picture. I suspect she’s had a baby.

4:42 p.m. I am able to confirm that she’s had a baby. Wow.

5:14 p.m. This is a cute baby! The world is full of little miracles, isn’t it?

6:00 p.m. It’s really annoying that my boyfriend basically never calls or texts or messages me during the day. It’s almost as annoying as the fact that he doesn’t actually exist.

6:10 p.m. I have a lot to offer the right person. My mom thinks so, too. It’s why she’s offered to subsidize j-Date.

6:15 p.m. I’ve thought up a great “imaginary” profile for j-Date. Going to post it as a practical joke. Because I’m funny like that.

6:45 p.m. Why am I so alone in this world? Why has nobody talked to me all day?!

7:10 p.m. What am I still doing here? I mean, really. What am I doing?  

—Ilana